E's birthday (part 1)

E woke up before me, and began her birthday by playing in the half-light of the kitchen with tiny dolls. A thick white fog hid the city beyond our courtyard and the raindrops dangling outside the window. She told me to be the prince who was coming to her restaurant, and to eat lime jello. I made coffee, and studied her as she shouted out the doll's dialogue. Five, now - which means I've been a father for five years.

We played dolls being pregnant and drew pictures of girls, always girls with wide eyes and long hair. Legs like a giraffe's, necks like swans. We put them on the fridge. Time for her mother to take her as we had agreed, only her mother decided not to come and now we'll somehow go out in the rain and tromp to school, late. And now E is sobbing because she doesn't want to go to school, she wants to spend the day with me and I must somehow get warm tights on her and a skirt, somehow brush her hair a little, wiping hot tears from her cheeks, putting the right dolls in the right bag to take with her.

Downstairs, I realize we should have brought umbrellas.

We go back up, making faces at each other through the mirror in the elevator.

And suddenly, it's the first time she opens her Hello Kitty umbrella outside for months, and we splash in the puddles. I sing to her raindrops keep falling on my head and laugh at the significance of the words.

because I'm free,

and nothing's worrying me.

I wonder if she cries because she wishes she was free. Well, we're free to splash in puddles at least, to march down the street and buy an eclair that she eats slowly, staring out the window. We can go to school late and no one cares for once because today is her day.

She dances up the stairs. The smell of cabbage soup is heavy in the dark hallways. I wonder if she will remember this birthday, this little girl who still doesn't understand what day it is, what month it is. She only cares about summer coming, and singing late at night, about what her imaginary sisters and brothers are doing right about now.