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you are not there

We are taking the little one for a ride on her new sled. It is bright orange, with a fuzzy black and white seat cover to keep her extra warm. Her tiny hands in tiny gloves hold the sides as tight as she can. I pull her down a path, shouting "woohooo" and then she replies "woohoo". N's turn is next, pulling her more schoolgirl than mother for a few minutes. There are other parents with children on sleds passing us. Their eyes straight forward, faces completely blank they slip by in silence. I flash a smile to them, and they do not even look at me. I am not there, just another tree leaning towards the stream that runs below.

There are ducks still, flapping around the brackish water and we throw pieces of stale bread to them. I start to think, not about the complete absence of smiles in this culture. I stopped asking about that long ago, told over and again that smiles are reserved for home, behind closed doors. But I wonder, for the children -  these wiggling bu…

the rowers

Being a single parent in a foreign country like Russia is a complete burnout scenario. 95% of the time, I feel like I'm just holding the walls up and putting healthy food on the table by some kind of miracle. It's humbling as hell. I am proud to have a tabletop or little square of floor remain clean for more than four hours. My priorities are all about survival, about treading water in an ocean of expenses and the emotional weather report of this five year old girl.

By some bizarre luck and a lot of effort I have been able to keep my sense of humor, which is especially useful when dealing with a little girl that is full of anxiety, a girl who cries in her sleep when she stays with her mother, a girl brought to tears by the wind. I feel like we're recreating some of those scenes from Kramer vs. Kramer when we look for her socks in the morning, already a bit late for school. My french toast is much better, though. There is something fundamentally ridiculous about our situation, and I usually find myself laughing instead of getting angry. Well, Sisyphus is one of my heroes and that book by Camus left a lasting impression on me. In an absurd world, the hero laughs.

But today I took E from school, and she ran to me on the playground knowing we were going for a ciao bimbo ice cream cone, knowing there would be no school for three days. We named the birds that flew around us in a number of languages. Her tiny hand sweaty in mine, we navigated through crowds of people and entered the European shopping center. The girl behind the ice cream counter is stingy with the sprinkles and then pops the spoon into her mouth, eating them herself. E's face fell in disbelief. Those were her sprinkles, and she has new questions for me to answer somehow, about the random cruelty of the world.

And then crossing the street she announced it was time she had her first happy meal. We go to McDonald's very rarely, and I do believe a drop of poison builds your tolerance to large doses. Scarfing down hamburgers, sitting outside in the bright sunlight I felt my breathing relax. E got a pair of penguin binoculars as her surprise gift. She stared at, and commented on people passing us. There were groups of young women in those freakishly high heels, toppling along in tight white jeans and sequined tshirts. Young men in pairs smoked cigarettes and eyed up the girls, flipping phones open, squinting like cowboys in the bright sun. As usual, E speaks very loud in English and calls attention to us, so the tables close to ours inspire a lot of ambitious eavesdropping. Mothers and reckless children run in circles, stopping and glaring at us, then running back to their french fries. Women in giant white sunglasses smoke cigarettes and sip from tall soda cups. They stare at us, then whisper to each other. I smile at them, and nod to see if they act guilty. No, just that traditional icy look - like we are some flies buzzing around the garbage cans.

And then we walk through the park that will bring us home. Dotted with fountains, bridges and modern sculptures the place smells of fresh cut grass. E runs ahead of me to a playground overflowing with children. She joins the swirling flow of trips down the slide, the shuttling swings, the sandbox full of wet sand that forms into perfect cakes. And somehow, invisibly - we have passed into a moment of peace. I look at her running with her hands by her sides and she is just like the other kids. Her face is not asking impossible questions. The dark cloud in her eyes has passed. She plays with children from India, a half-French boy, a tiny Russian baby learning to walk. The hours pass, as her black Mary Janes are full of sand as her face is laughing and growing tired, as her pony tail disappears inside a jungle gym and then she takes the yellow slide one more time. I feel a sense of accomplishment, as if all the work holding the walls up was worth it - more than just rowing against the current, maybe we're finally getting somewhere.


The Expatresse said…
Happy Mother's Day.
I am glad to get a glimpse at your wee one!!
She is darling!
And if I ever make it to Russia, we'll have a play date.
My girlz speak very loudly, so certainly there will be icy stares!
Annie said…
Your writing gives me shivers.

And the attitude - yes; join the club - nothing to do but laugh sometimes! (Maybe that's why I loved Russia while fellow adoptive parents not only hated it but look at me with suspicious glares when I declare myself smitten. You just have to have a sense of humor there.)

And your writing sends slivers into my brain... At some point you described E's mother, and not at that moment, reading it, but ever since, I am thinking of Anastasia growing into a woman like that. It terrifies me and I try even harder to right her mental ship - just so you haven't, after all, shown me a terrible glimpse of her future.

The stolen sprinkles will surely stick with me....
brenda said…
Loved Annie's comment. Ditto for the "shivers" and "slivers", the emotional weather report, the...Ah hell! I could just go on and on. Suffice it to say that your daughter will grow straighter and stronger than most simply because you are so ever present and all embracing, M.
Rabbit blogger said…
you know, getting such comments from true-blue moms is really overwhelming. the russians do joke about how i am both mother and father to E, and i always laugh but rarely give it more thought...but now i do. thanks, dear readers....M
grmb said…
Row her over to our side of the pond. She needs to join her dad at Katz's...
Karin said…
What Annie sez Marco. You are doing it, and doing it well from my vantage point...

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