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talking to the trees

Most experiences cannot be discussed. No one wants to hear the ugly truth, and chances are you will be attacked for sharing it. To be able to speak freely means that you need a willing listener, otherwise you are just talking to the trees. Time and again I have come to understand that there is no difference between New York and Moscow, no difference between East and West. They are just cults of personality, built on violence and money and moral quicksand.

The life of an expat evolves from those early, awkward victories to one of assimilation or in cases like mine - eventually understanding that you have no country you can (or want to) call home. I am left with just these four walls and my family. This apartment is the only place I actually belong. This is the only place I do not need to soft-pedal my thoughts, where I do not need to apologize for what I have unearthed. The river of betrayal runs deep whether I look outside, or across the ocean. Willful ignorance, willful indifference…

there's nothing sadder than a town with no cheer

His is taller then six feet and has bushy grey eyebrows, a lumpy face punctuated by a red nose. He does not look me in the eye. There are two dogs he takes outside, a slow moving German Shepherd and some tiny, nervous one. I have not learned their names even though we have shared the elevator countless times. The big dog is always silent, the little one with its shrill bark scares E if she is with me. 

Our neighbor smells of cigarettes and cheap cologne. 

He spends hours in the hallway, leaning against the window that looks out onto the train yards and a small school where they teach economics. He smokes and smokes, pressing the butts into a tiny glass jelly jar. I see the empty packs there when he is gone, the residue of the previous night, the wisp of clear plastic wrapper, the damp smell. He reads entire books leaning against the banister in a pair of plaid shorts and a t shirt, his yellow toenails shining from his flip-flops. 

I used to think he was avoiding his wife by turning the hallway into a sort of den. She is quiet, short, with brown hair pulled back tight. I never see her. N told me that maybe she does not allow smoking in the house, and that is why he spends his time in the stairwell. 

A year or so ago, I saw a young man going into their apartment. He was bald, his skin shiny and thin as if I could see the veins through it. His hands were shaking. I talked about this with N over tea that night and she guessed that maybe the boy was their son, and he was sick and that is why the old man smokes in the hallway. 

Months passed and we did not see the young man. The old man's face made more sense to me, the solemn mumbled greetings or none at all, the shuffling from door to window, even the dogs saying nothing just scratching at the door asking to go outside. 


Parke Muth said…
Wonderful example of what Dinty Moore and others would call a flash essay. I would call it a cousin of Kafka. Thank you.
liv said…
Is there ever cheer in Moscow? Perhaps in the North apartment, but in general, I am doubtful.

Yes, very Kafka like and all too common - the condition, not your writing. There is nothing common about your writing.

Hope E is much, much better !

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