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every other man

The light outside the main entrance to our building has gone out again. The heavy metal door swings wide as I pull a hat down over my ears. In the darkness there are maybe twenty teenagers standing still. My boot scrapes across the ground, slowing down. Their hands in pockets, shoulders hunched, I look for a space to pass between them. A voice appears, saying hello in English, with an obvious accent. I am all instinct, sayingpivyet as I pass, not looking back, wondering who said this. There was a boy that was an extra in Blackbetty that lives in our building, but he is too young, too short for it to have been him.

I look back, navigating the puddles in the street. It does not make any sense.

N is with V, making their way home. I meet them, pulling V into my arms as she chatters about her day, about dry leaves and princesses, about her grandmother's apartment and what she ate there. We are going back home, and I try to explain the odd collection that stands outside. As we pass th…

(pictures of) an Exile on Main Street

I have been to this place many times, but always when I am away. In my imagination the island is expanded, twisted into impossible locations and structures that are all too real to me. Somewhere around 125th street, there is a great rise, a spaghetti tangle of rusting train tracks. I can ride all the way down Broadway on a single car, sparks flying, shrieking wheels calling out for some axle grease. From this great height I can see all the way to the tip of land that juts into the ocean, the dark water sloshing against the pier. I know full well I am dreaming. I know this is not New York, but some parallel one I have fabricated. I know there is no roller coaster that brings you through the vein of Broadway. The dream is in Kodachrome. The skin of my hands is bright red. The shadows dark blue and green. The orange rust flakes on my jeans are glowing in the midday sun. The clouds are motionless behind Grand Central Terminal. I smell burning salt from pretzel stands. I smell pizza by the slice.

The train car idles to a messy stop in a swamp somewhere below Canal street. No one is here. The ground is soft and foul. There are clusters of old buildings crumbling behind some willow trees. I know this empty spot will give way to Wall Street if I follow my nose. There is just a dirt road here, no signs. The sky has grown dark. I think to curl up in a shed, and stay the night here with the stars staring down at me. 

I resurface, in a cloud of steam on Chambers Street. I am hungry.



I wake up late in the morning. N's arm is draped across my forehead. The moon is still out, stuck in the grey Moscow sky. I make coffee, try to be quiet. I watch her sleeping for a little while. 

Later, after breakfast she takes over the kitchen to make cookies for a birthday party. I put The Rolling Stones on, Exile on Main Street. She jokes around, saying I never take her picture any more. I tell her she is too private, and that I am not supposed to write anything about her, not even show a picture of her foot. 

I do get the camera, standing on the chairs as I look, and see her long fingers, her strong shoulders, her earrings swinging around she as rolls out the dough. She reads from a red notebook, the recipe handwritten in precise letters, like a bit of school homework. Her face is serious, concentrating on teaspoons and how cold the butter is, on asking me to take down the big mixing bowl from the top of the cabinet.



She leaves after they have cooled, and packed carefully. I am waiting for E to be dropped off. I wander the rooms, restless. The sky is dark already.

She has left two cookies on the kitchen table. They sit on a plate, one of her perfect and simple gestures. A message to me that I am loved, that I am understood.

I make a cup of black tea, chew on them slowly - the sugar, the ground walnuts and chewy raisins turning around in my mouth.

I think of the protests in the streets. I smell the air of change, but do not want to be seduced by it. I need something real to hold on to.





Comments

liv said…
My fingers are crossed for change.

That gorgeous N looks about as real as it gets.

I want a cookie. Can you send me the recipe?
Omgrrrl said…
Been meaning to talk to you about the undercurrent of change.

Rolling Stones back atcha:

Ooh, see the fire is sweepin'
Our very street today
Burns like a red coal carpet
Mad bull lost its way

War, children, it's just a shot away
It's just a shot away
War, children, it's just a shot away
It's just a shot away
Banker Chick said…
It would seem that you are dreaming of where you would rather be.

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